11 people

The rules:
List 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.
Don't say who they pertain to.
Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.
Never discuss it again.

1.
I haven't thought about you lately. Not in this madness of life. But I think I wish you were here.
You had the courage to be friend to this particularly peculiar child I was. Thanks to you I understood what friendship really is. Maybe I understand you better now... But I do wish you were here and I could talk to you. You would have a lot of answers, I think.

2.
If  I were younger I would say I loved you.
Now it's the kind of platonic feeling, I feel for you, but saying 'I love you' would be a lie.
I'd miss you, still.

3.
If it weren't for you I would have gone to mad rampage a long time ago. There is a darkness inside me, something sinister and cruel and I know it would never go away. But with you I can feel good and careless and light. And even if you are not around and I am in black mood, but still restraining the beast, I only think about myself as a necessary evil that lets other people shine brighter and better in comparison. Not chaotic evil as I could be.

4.
Somehow, you are my constant.
I will not elaborate.
But you are.

5.
I wish everything were as it was two years ago, but wishful thinking is no good, so.
I loved you. Really. But I didn't think it was all right and so I wanted to purge myself of these feelings at any cost. Note to myself: never say 'at any cost', since this supernatural perhaps, mildly insane for sure power will do it. And it will always cost harder than I thought.
It's rather nonsense now.

6.
In many ways, you made me what I am. Not all of them were good, but I'd still thank you.
Perhaps I should have been more tolerant. Perhaps I should have been less reactive. Perhaps I should have been more what English call 'nice'. But I have never been the one for niceties.
I do not believe in mending relationships died or dwindled. They never work.
Forgive me.

7.
I think you are one of the very few people I really cannot stand (You know the word, four letters, antonym of 'love'?  I've been taught not to use it). Maybe it's because you are like me in some ways, but mostly it's because how you differ. Not in a good way… Es quod sum, you are what I am, only turned up to eleven.

8.
Sometimes I think I might kill you.
I have anger issues. Most of my friends know that. But I keep my beast on a very strong leash. Somehow and somewhy, it is with you that I go over the top. It is you that can drive me into hysterics. It is you that can break my grip on sanity, and I suppose that is what you are trying to do. Since how should my saneness matter when you are mad already?
I really think everything were better if you would just go away.

9.
I suppose it was mostly my fault. I was too blind to see that. Sorry. Now I alternate between paranoid distrust and genuine friendship, thankfully the latter is the dominant.
Thank you.

10.
Now that would be such a romantic comedy if I fell for you now. The dislike between us is like a wine: it only gets better and stronger with time. And now I start understanding you and a stray thought says I might even fall for you. Since when am I  a character in a comedy-like thing?
If I ever get the scriptwriter, she will have a lot to answer for.
No. I will not fall. Old dislikes still die hard.
And I have my pride the size of the Sun.

11.
You are the Joker, my wild card, are you not?
Sometimes I think you might be one of my inner three. Other times I dislike you with a passion. That is a fact we both know, of course.
Sometimes you are so insufferable. You pass yourself as more mature than me, since I am always the one resorting to a slap. It is easier. People usually stop being annoying when one hits them. And how is angering me supposed to help me control my anger?
Other times I can tell you secrets and talk with you normally. Maybe we are alike in our unreliability.
I cannot trust you, Joker, that is true. Of course I am generally paranoid, but you are especially frightening.
Why so…?